"I wish I could write, I have these intense thoughts but I can't keep them still long enough to write them down..."

Stressful...Today can only be described as Stressful (note the 'S'). Double Pyschology, Double English and Art, Art club and Jazz Band Practise.
Got left on my own at lunch and had another table pick on me until Bryoni took pity on me and invited me onto hers. Here I spent an uncomfortable 5 minutes trying not to spill jacket potato, cheese and beans down my front before her unwelcoming friend, Becky. Eventually I gave up and took my blueberry muffin outside to enjoy.
It feels like I'm rotating in circles that I don't belong to, at the moment, with all of this change and shift in social balance, I can't work out how to react to, and interact with, other people. I've become a recluse again, it's now that I've begun to notice it a lot more...how tiring. I'm the type of person who struggles to socialise even though I'm afraid of being alone. I can't handle the pressure of small talk and take either a long while or a mass amount of encouragement to truly be able to react with another.
That's possibly why I treasure my friends so much; they're all social butterflies who surround me and bring out my better side. If it weren't for them then I'd most likely be the girl who sits in the library at the table on her own...well I am that girl most of the time anyway, but I still have people to assist me in opening up to the world around me.
I really struggle in lessons too, at the moment it's psychology that's the worst. I DID have a table to myself for the first lesson, but Mr. Emmet spoke to me at the end and encouraged me to sit on a table with two other girls for group work. They're both quite close, so when I attempt to pluck up the courage to chat with them, I know that really I'm just butting into their private conversation and that they interact with me just to be polite.
I'm so shy, but nobody can see that, they just see the ignorant, weird girl who can't seem to talk without punctuating her every sentence with a meaningless giggle.
Everyone seems to want to talk to someone else, and that's difficult...I'm trying so hard to come out of my shell because in order to succeed in life you need good social skills. But just as I begin to open my mouth, everyone shifts away.
In lessons, it also seems that everyone else is on a completely different wavelength to me...like over the summer, people spent their time in a library, submerged in books on how to become intelligent. They all took out the same book and studied it cover to cover.
I, however, spent my summer on the computor, fretting about homework and sleeping in longer than expected.
Now I come back and listen in lessons...the teacher asks a question and -low and behold!- I know the answer. Now, there are two ways that the situation can go; either the teacher picks another student and they give an answer that seems so obvious and far from my own answer that I feel embarrassed and glad I wasn't picked; or AM picked, give my answer which sounds great in my own head and the teacher takes it in, pulls a face, mutters something along the lines of 'yeah but also...' or 'that's good, not right but...anyone else?' and turns away.
When did I become so stupid that I can't even pick up on a simple answer to the easiest of questions?
It's embarrassing...
The only lesson that I feel good at is Textiles. I work so hard, in fact this blog was set up in the hopes of furthering my capabilities! I'm ahead of others, I'm trying to engage the teacher in my studies, I go out and do primary research, I submerge myself entirely. And in the end I get nothing in return. I'm not feeling the effects of reward, I'm feeling the effects of being useless and suprememly incapable.
I wish I could just gain some shred of acknowledgment from ANYONE! It would mean so much if someone were to just take a moment to say "hey, you're certainly putting in one hell of an effort! Well done you, it's showing in your work..."
I just want to give up and go to sleep, but I know that if I do then I'll miss out on something in important, I'll lose work time.
It's exhausting wanting and trying but being held at arms length from what you desire the most.
How am I to succeed in life if I can't even handle sixth form?!
I'm screwing up everything and I don't know it got out of hand so quickly.
I've always said that I love to see a shrink, just for novelties sake and to have some one to talk to. Someone who is duty bound to listen and focus on me. Now I figure I actually might NEED a psychiatrist (did I spell that right?). If I could have some kind of escape...that would be wonderful, but I don't have time for escape. THIS is my escape. And I shouldn't even really be doing it!
Eh, I got distracted...and thank god too! As if I could actually cram in anything more depressing?!?! XD Ok...promise that the next post will be more positive! :D
In fact I'll make sure of it, I'll be posting it up in another couple of minutes...XP

~~